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WHOO?
My name's PX and you should know me.
I love to sing, dance and play the piano. Sometimes I think I've split personality but you'll soon get used to it.
Life is just like a toilet bowl, it has ALL kinds of shits in it.

Memoris

please don't go away
Friday, April 15, 2011

Saturday is the day and my heart feels so heavy now.

i dont know what is the main reason as there's a few that's lingering at the back of my mind. maybe it is because i've lost the confidence to fight on after seeing how easy our relationship can be broken and affected by external sources. maybe it is because i know things will not be the same as before because the "scar" is already left in the relationship. maybe because i do not know how it will all turn our in the end, and im worried that it will not turn out the way i want it to be.

and now things just have to happen in this motherfucking negative way. FUCK IT.
12:12 AM

Friday, April 1, 2011

Sinusitis is killing me. other than having that said, i will try to be a better person. a more understanding girlfriend.
11:08 PM

Friday, March 25, 2011


Each time it happens there will be a whole massive truckload of angst, negativity and hatred need i say more? but this time round it was a different experience, it was much more intense greater disappointment, hurt and somehow it formed a barrier there. between us. maybe it is due to my PMS which makes me even much more emotional but much as i try to tell myself to get over it and not to think too much into it, not to blow up the matter but deep down inside i know that that's simply not the case. because i still am greatly affected by it, and i do not know how to go about it. maybe it is also due to the amount of stress that i'm facing nowadays, continuation of diploma in music, stressing over what degree to take and sign up for and also news from the work that i applied for. every single shit is coming after me all at the same motherfucking time. pardon me from the language but i really need to get it off i do not need another gastric attack like i'd earlier in the midst of a train ride.

i know i should stop putting the attention to myself, drawing attention to myself for all the wrong reason being so bloody ridiculously selfish, i should spare a thought to those who are involved in this messed up shit as well. i know. and i really want to believe me, but i just don't know how to. where do i start from? how can i remove all these hurt due to the unpleasant experienced that's already registered inside me? i need some guidance from above to set me free from all the overwhelming emotions that's pent up inside me. to be honest i feel rather badly hurt and also at the same time im afraid to give my all and trust you completely because that scene keeps replaying inside my mind. i've woke up in the middle of the night thinking about that issue and i swore to myself that i'm not going to let it happen again. sorry is word said genuinely from the heart, most of the time regretting a action that one has done. but sadly to me this isnt a issue that can be "mended" straightaway, the doubts and insecurity that I have, that in the future you might do it again to me, 1 fine day when i least expected it with other harsher words or even actions just keeps me away. i know there's already some sort of a barrier, a inevitable scar. i hope you understand that this maybe is the way that my heart protects itself after being traumatized in a way that i've never expected not at that situation not at that particular time. i'm not blaming you still, its more of me needing to let things off my chest. the whole real goddamn confession straight from my heart.

maybe it's because i really loved the person whom i never thought will do this to me though it's the 1st time. so currently i'm suffering from intensified post shocked syndrome, guarding will be leveled up. i know i need time to heal from this and i hope that you understand where exactly i'm coming from. god bless us.


9:21 PM

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Harsh threatening tone together statement of words that slice like a knife,
if you knew this was gonna happen, would you have thought twice or even thrice?
it just gives the overall feeling that it's not worth that much anymore.
it runs in your blood isn't it?

if you can do it once you can simply do it twice.
i've never ever felt so sore in my life before. but you've managed to do so.
8:23 PM

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A very good hello to my old dusty blog who's been sitting here stagnant for the past 1 month...? i've been really lazy now a days of late, reluctant to post whatever that is on my mind, reluctant to express myself the need to find the exact words to describe the kind of feeling that i'm undergoing, i'm losing that.

that aside friday's the big big day that ive been waiting for. todays mission was to settle the cards and XXX and XXX but i only managed to finish the card only. :/ lets hope tomorrow will be a better day for me to clear those necessary things that i need to clear. :D

till then if its possible i shall update more tomorrow. rest well people.
9:47 PM

Friday, February 25, 2011


" It is said that love never exist, until we finally found the right one for us. Love should be experienced and not just felt. Take it with as much fun and not be upset. When things don’t work out, move on. Be wise, but always stand steadfast in love, not fall into it. Pray, if it makes you feel better afterwards. If it’s any consolation, we’ve certainly got our share of heartbreak."
12:36 PM

Friday, January 14, 2011

The reason why I'm going back to jogging.( New year resolution)


How Your Muscles Remember

Not surprisingly, the process of forging muscle memory originates in the brain. When you learn something new, whether it's how to do a split squat or how to snowboard, your brain fires up all the right motor units (nerves that signal muscle fibers to kick in) to help you perform the movements.

Once your muscle fibers get the memo from your brain to move, they start sending messages back. "When you move, you activate sensors (called proprioceptors) in your muscles, tendons, and joints that constantly give feedback to your central nervous system about where your body is in space, so it knows what muscles to fire next," says Adam Knight, Ph.D., an assistant professor of biomechanics at Mississippi State University. It's a continuous feedback loop from your brain to your muscles and back. "Your brain creates pathways through your central nervous system, and movements become automatic," adds Wayne Westcott, Ph.D., fitness research director at Quincy College in Massachusetts. Those well-worn pathways essentially become your muscle memory.

Pack Protein to Drop Pounds

The more regularly you use these pathways, the more your muscle memory solidifies, even if you slack off for a while. Ohio University researchers put a group of women on a two-days-a-week strength-training program for 20 weeks, then let them lounge around for eight months. When they called them back to the gym along with a group of women who'd never lifted before, they found that the previously trained women had retained most of their muscle fibers. When they started pumping iron again, they made gains more rapidly than the women who had no history of strength training.

The same principle applies to any exercise, says Lee Hong, Ph.D., an assistant professor of kinesiology and neuroscience at Indiana University at Bloomington. "If you lay off an activity for too long, you'll get rusty, but those patterns are locked in," says Hong. "That's why, even after 10 or 20 years, you can get back on a bike and ride."


Photo Credit: Thinkstock

Get Smarter Every Day

Until recently, researchers believed that these ingrained neuromuscular patterns were the primary reason for the rebound-after-a-layoff effect. But Norwegian scientists recently discovered something else that may be a game changer in the way we understand how the body gets—and stays—fit. Turns out, exercise also triggers longterm, possibly permanent, changes in your cells. In a study of mice, researchers found that after just six days of simulated strength training, the mice generated new nuclei in their muscle cells. This is a big deal, since these nuclei contain the DNA blueprint necessary to make new muscle. And months after the mice stopped training, even though their muscles had shrunk, those newly formed nuclei were still hanging around, waiting to be reactivated by exercise, says study leader Kristian Gundersen, Ph.D., of the University of Oslo. "It's not unrealistic to suspect that human muscles respond as quickly and that those nuclei last for decades, or even a lifetime," he says.

The more exercise you do, the more memory you can bank and the easier it is to make deposits. "It's like a health savings account," says Hong. And as with any savings account, it's best to start early—like now. Gundersen's research found that the ability to make new muscle decreases as you age. "The earlier you start and the more you build, the better off you'll be later in life," says Hong.

Your Body Never Forgets
There's no getting around this: If you take a few months (or years!) off from exercise, you will huff and puff and feel achy as your body gets back into the swing of things. But if you establish a history of fitness, your pain will be a lot more manageable. Any sweat equity you invest forges a cardiovascular and strength blueprint that helps you make gains faster and be less prone to soreness and injury than someone who has never lifted anything heavier than a glass of merlot or has run only when chased.

Lose More Weight

And there's more good news: Muscle memory's impact extends beyond general fitness. The physical changes your body undergoes while building a fitness platform help speed up your metabolism, make you more resilient to stress, and bolster your immune system, says Kraemer. "All these adaptations become ingrained physiologically," he adds. Muscle memory not only helps you get more from every workout but also "spills into your everyday life, making you a better-functioning human being."

Up Your Retention
Muscle memory has an evil alter ago called "the plateau." As you repeatedly do a task, your body becomes more efficient at it. This has upsides (see "Getting Better with Age," below) along with downsides. Your body can become so efficient that it actually recruits fewer muscle fibers to do the job.

To make your muscle memory last, you need to shake things up. On the strength side, "daily undulating periodization" (like the plan on the following pages) will help keep your muscles on their toes. Changing your cardio (going for a swim or taking a Zumba class, for instance) will challenge your body in fresh ways. Also, add intervals to your cardio routine once or twice a week. It's as simple as tossing in 30 seconds of speed. Research shows that max-effort 30-second sprints (four to six of them, with a few minutes of rest in between) are as effective as longer one-speed workouts for building and maintaining fitness.

Getting Better with Age

To understand the impact of muscle memory, look at the women who are crossing the finish line in first place these days. Of the 40 elite female athletes who competed in the 2008 New York City Marathon, nearly three-quarters were over 30, and more than a third were over 35. Women, it seems, are finding their stride in their thirties. Or in the case of swimmer Dara Torres, who won three Olympic silver medals in '08, even their forties!

Be Happy

It all comes down to efficiency, says Wayne Westcott, Ph.D. "Mature athletes have an enormous fitness base and perfectly ingrained movement patterns, so they're amazingly efficient. Being able to go very hard and very fast while not wasting an ounce of energy gives them the advantage over competitors who are younger and less experienced."


That's also why it's not unusual for average women who weren't star athletes back in high school to start winning medals at local road races and triathlons once they hit their thirties. Years of steady exercise and fitness accumulate and give them an edge.

9:53 PM

Friday, December 24, 2010

Sometimes when the usual scenario occurs I cant help but to think why did god give me someone like him. is it a test for me to see how long can i tolerate his behavior and unreasonable behavior that happened one a time too many? it is as if heart problem is not an issue and you flare up like someone who is beyond redemption for anger management. you think you're so good all high and mighty when you allow anger to posses you, i cant help but to admit it disgusts the hell out of me. somebody please tell me what should i do to deal with you.
10:34 PM

Monday, December 13, 2010

Frazzled. that's basically what i'm feeling currently.

somebody just save me.
8:47 PM

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


This is my very 1st entry after such a long time from a very long holiday away from here. this is suppose to be a place for me to vent my frustration, my feelings, my thoughts whether Im happy angry or sad. and i guess it's been a little too long since i'd visit here so much so that i've lost the flow of penning down my thoughts and am dealing with a little writer's block.

Ever since young i've always noticed that somehow in a way im drawn to spirituality books which i do not know why. i like reading books that has to do with inner peace and happiness and most of the genre are along this line. maybe it is due to my character wise and the way i think my internal system complexities. only when i read such books then i can feel some kind of enlightenment. being spiritual and being religious is 2 different thing, religious is nothing but a set a structured system and theories that induces the thinking of spirituality. Religious is external whereas spiritual is internal- it comes from within.

sometimes i stop and look at myself and to realize that i'm actually not going anyway comparing to my friends who seems to have a aim in life a goal to work hard to, knowing what they want and fighting hard for it. and here i am just going through the motions moving on aimlessly. i admire them for their ability to know what they really want to achieve in life, its something that even till at this moment, is still a uncertainty to me. different choices that my heart sings for, so many dreams that i want to be, there's endless possibility of what is going to "work" for me thus i do the norm i procrastinate. and it isn't helping i should really do something about it. soon.

10:17 PM

Saturday, October 23, 2010


For now everything seems to be sunshine and rainbow surrounding me, mood is good all because me and love managed to talk things though after last week's big disagreement/ disaster.

and i almost thought i'd lost it, i thought we'd lost it.

and what scares me most is that somehow deep inside me there's this lurking feeling that bodes negative feeling. it's so unmistakeably familiar because that's the doubt that i'd always have buried deep inside me - can our so called love last? will we crumble under the immense pressure of all the things against us and most importantly can we tolerate one another character, have the heart of an angle to be patient with one another when the going gets tough and get along with each other?

but anyways we managed to talk things out and promised to settle the problems using SOLUTIONS that we both agreed on :D
i really hope that you meant what you say and prove it through action dearest pencil eraser loves you very much


on a side note the purpose of me writting this post is to remind myself that I'm officially on a diet thus i won't be touching any of the food listed below..

1) FRIED OR OILY FOOD
2) REDUCE starchy food and switch to complex carbohydrates ( wholemeal bread/grains )
3) Switch sugary drinks - plain water

and to add on i will be on my way to become a semi vegetarian. in other words consume more fruits and vegetables during meals! to my dear friends especially ahrong and momo if you guys happen to read this please, help me to stick to this diet for 2 weeks at least.

I MUST PERSEVERE ON!!!!! FIGHTING!!
:)
12:21 PM

Sunday, October 17, 2010

" Sometimes when we quarrel with our loved ones it's not really about the issue that we're unhappy with, it is more of whether or not we still want to continue to stay on and fight for the survival of this relationship or to let it go. "
3:07 PM

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Secrets

We all have one to hide. it's something that we keep it to ourselves, that we can't divulge due to the circumstances we're facing. human beings will always be human beings, no matter how much we say or promise to be truthful to the other party we will still in the end keep certain matters or issues to ourselves in fear of it being the "taboo" topic.

insecurity is one of the many reasons, lack of understanding from the other party after a certain topic has already been brought up before but only to face with the same situation or even fear of genuine acceptance from the other party. if only we all are able to really open ourselves up and accept whatever that comes in our way, but will we ever be able to? can we do so and most importantly are we willing to do so from the bottom of our hearts?


till all my sleeves are stained red

from all the repeated truth that i've said

are you really listening?

stagnant water will only remain the same

that gives birth to new secrets each day

when will i ever be able to give them all away?


any idea how much it hurts for me when i realized they're not real nor was the promise genuine. when i realize that it just doesn't happen how insecure i feel and how much it kills me deep inside, when you speak of assurance through promise but it just don't deliver through?

well, now you know.
i just hope it's not too late.


10:54 PM

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

i didnt know it could be so painful just by the thought about it, i can't imagine what's going to happen if my worst nightmare came true. i want us to last forever, i can't imagine if we can't. i'm trying hard, maybe a little too hard.

ps: i've the power to become goldfish/goldie or pufferfish tomorrow.
10:14 PM

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