Friday, April 15, 2011
Saturday is the day and my heart feels so heavy now. i dont know what is the main reason as there's a few that's lingering at the back of my mind. maybe it is because i've lost the confidence to fight on after seeing how easy our relationship can be broken and affected by external sources. maybe it is because i know things will not be the same as before because the "scar" is already left in the relationship. maybe because i do not know how it will all turn our in the end, and im worried that it will not turn out the way i want it to be. and now things just have to happen in this motherfucking negative way. FUCK IT. 12:12 AM
Friday, April 1, 2011
Sinusitis is killing me. other than having that said, i will try to be a better person. a more understanding girlfriend. 11:08 PM
Friday, March 25, 2011
Each time it happens there will be a whole massive truckload of angst, negativity and hatred need i say more? but this time round it was a different experience, it was much more intense greater disappointment, hurt and somehow it formed a barrier there. between us. maybe it is due to my PMS which makes me even much more emotional but much as i try to tell myself to get over it and not to think too much into it, not to blow up the matter but deep down inside i know that that's simply not the case. because i still am greatly affected by it, and i do not know how to go about it. maybe it is also due to the amount of stress that i'm facing nowadays, continuation of diploma in music, stressing over what degree to take and sign up for and also news from the work that i applied for. every single shit is coming after me all at the same motherfucking time. pardon me from the language but i really need to get it off i do not need another gastric attack like i'd earlier in the midst of a train ride. i know i should stop putting the attention to myself, drawing attention to myself for all the wrong reason being so bloody ridiculously selfish, i should spare a thought to those who are involved in this messed up shit as well. i know. and i really want to believe me, but i just don't know how to. where do i start from? how can i remove all these hurt due to the unpleasant experienced that's already registered inside me? i need some guidance from above to set me free from all the overwhelming emotions that's pent up inside me. to be honest i feel rather badly hurt and also at the same time im afraid to give my all and trust you completely because that scene keeps replaying inside my mind. i've woke up in the middle of the night thinking about that issue and i swore to myself that i'm not going to let it happen again. sorry is word said genuinely from the heart, most of the time regretting a action that one has done. but sadly to me this isnt a issue that can be "mended" straightaway, the doubts and insecurity that I have, that in the future you might do it again to me, 1 fine day when i least expected it with other harsher words or even actions just keeps me away. i know there's already some sort of a barrier, a inevitable scar. i hope you understand that this maybe is the way that my heart protects itself after being traumatized in a way that i've never expected not at that situation not at that particular time. i'm not blaming you still, its more of me needing to let things off my chest. the whole real goddamn confession straight from my heart. maybe it's because i really loved the person whom i never thought will do this to me though it's the 1st time. so currently i'm suffering from intensified post shocked syndrome, guarding will be leveled up. i know i need time to heal from this and i hope that you understand where exactly i'm coming from. god bless us. 9:21 PM
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Harsh threatening tone together statement of words that slice like a knife, if you knew this was gonna happen, would you have thought twice or even thrice? it just gives the overall feeling that it's not worth that much anymore. it runs in your blood isn't it? if you can do it once you can simply do it twice. i've never ever felt so sore in my life before. but you've managed to do so. 8:23 PM
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
A very good hello to my old dusty blog who's been sitting here stagnant for the past 1 month...? i've been really lazy now a days of late, reluctant to post whatever that is on my mind, reluctant to express myself the need to find the exact words to describe the kind of feeling that i'm undergoing, i'm losing that. that aside friday's the big big day that ive been waiting for. todays mission was to settle the cards and XXX and XXX but i only managed to finish the card only. :/ lets hope tomorrow will be a better day for me to clear those necessary things that i need to clear. :D till then if its possible i shall update more tomorrow. rest well people. 9:47 PM
Friday, February 25, 2011
" It is said that love never exist, until we finally found the right one for us. Love should be experienced and not just felt. Take it with as much fun and not be upset. When things don’t work out, move on. Be wise, but always stand steadfast in love, not fall into it. Pray, if it makes you feel better afterwards. If it’s any consolation, we’ve certainly got our share of heartbreak." 12:36 PM
Friday, January 14, 2011
The reason why I'm going back to jogging.( New year resolution) How Your Muscles Remember Not surprisingly, the process of forging muscle memory originates in the brain. When you learn something new, whether it's how to do a split squat or how to snowboard, your brain fires up all the right motor units (nerves that signal muscle fibers to kick in) to help you perform the movements. Once your muscle fibers get the memo from your brain to move, they start sending messages back. "When you move, you activate sensors (called proprioceptors) in your muscles, tendons, and joints that constantly give feedback to your central nervous system about where your body is in space, so it knows what muscles to fire next," says Adam Knight, Ph.D., an assistant professor of biomechanics at Mississippi State University. It's a continuous feedback loop from your brain to your muscles and back. "Your brain creates pathways through your central nervous system, and movements become automatic," adds Wayne Westcott, Ph.D., fitness research director at Quincy College in Massachusetts. Those well-worn pathways essentially become your muscle memory. Pack Protein to Drop Pounds
Photo Credit: Thinkstock Get Smarter Every Day And there's more good news: Muscle memory's impact extends beyond general fitness. The physical changes your body undergoes while building a fitness platform help speed up your metabolism, make you more resilient to stress, and bolster your immune system, says Kraemer. "All these adaptations become ingrained physiologically," he adds. Muscle memory not only helps you get more from every workout but also "spills into your everyday life, making you a better-functioning human being." Be Happy 9:53 PM
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sometimes when the usual scenario occurs I cant help but to think why did god give me someone like him. is it a test for me to see how long can i tolerate his behavior and unreasonable behavior that happened one a time too many? it is as if heart problem is not an issue and you flare up like someone who is beyond redemption for anger management. you think you're so good all high and mighty when you allow anger to posses you, i cant help but to admit it disgusts the hell out of me. somebody please tell me what should i do to deal with you. 10:34 PM
Monday, December 13, 2010
Frazzled. that's basically what i'm feeling currently. somebody just save me. 8:47 PM
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
This is my very 1st entry after such a long time from a very long holiday away from here. this is suppose to be a place for me to vent my frustration, my feelings, my thoughts whether Im happy angry or sad. and i guess it's been a little too long since i'd visit here so much so that i've lost the flow of penning down my thoughts and am dealing with a little writer's block. Ever since young i've always noticed that somehow in a way im drawn to spirituality books which i do not know why. i like reading books that has to do with inner peace and happiness and most of the genre are along this line. maybe it is due to my character wise and the way i think my internal system complexities. only when i read such books then i can feel some kind of enlightenment. being spiritual and being religious is 2 different thing, religious is nothing but a set a structured system and theories that induces the thinking of spirituality. Religious is external whereas spiritual is internal- it comes from within. sometimes i stop and look at myself and to realize that i'm actually not going anyway comparing to my friends who seems to have a aim in life a goal to work hard to, knowing what they want and fighting hard for it. and here i am just going through the motions moving on aimlessly. i admire them for their ability to know what they really want to achieve in life, its something that even till at this moment, is still a uncertainty to me. different choices that my heart sings for, so many dreams that i want to be, there's endless possibility of what is going to "work" for me thus i do the norm i procrastinate. and it isn't helping i should really do something about it. soon. 10:17 PM
Saturday, October 23, 2010
For now everything seems to be sunshine and rainbow surrounding me, mood is good all because me and love managed to talk things though after last week's big disagreement/ disaster. and i almost thought i'd lost it, i thought we'd lost it. and what scares me most is that somehow deep inside me there's this lurking feeling that bodes negative feeling. it's so unmistakeably familiar because that's the doubt that i'd always have buried deep inside me - can our so called love last? will we crumble under the immense pressure of all the things against us and most importantly can we tolerate one another character, have the heart of an angle to be patient with one another when the going gets tough and get along with each other? but anyways we managed to talk things out and promised to settle the problems using SOLUTIONS that we both agreed on :D i really hope that you meant what you say and prove it through action dearest pencil eraser loves you very much ♥ ♥ ♥ on a side note the purpose of me writting this post is to remind myself that I'm officially on a diet thus i won't be touching any of the food listed below.. 1) FRIED OR OILY FOOD 2) REDUCE starchy food and switch to complex carbohydrates ( wholemeal bread/grains ) 3) Switch sugary drinks - plain water and to add on i will be on my way to become a semi vegetarian. in other words consume more fruits and vegetables during meals! to my dear friends especially ahrong and momo if you guys happen to read this please, help me to stick to this diet for 2 weeks at least. I MUST PERSEVERE ON!!!!! FIGHTING!! :) 12:21 PM
Sunday, October 17, 2010
" Sometimes when we quarrel with our loved ones it's not really about the issue that we're unhappy with, it is more of whether or not we still want to continue to stay on and fight for the survival of this relationship or to let it go. " 3:07 PM
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Secrets We all have one to hide. it's something that we keep it to ourselves, that we can't divulge due to the circumstances we're facing. human beings will always be human beings, no matter how much we say or promise to be truthful to the other party we will still in the end keep certain matters or issues to ourselves in fear of it being the "taboo" topic. insecurity is one of the many reasons, lack of understanding from the other party after a certain topic has already been brought up before but only to face with the same situation or even fear of genuine acceptance from the other party. if only we all are able to really open ourselves up and accept whatever that comes in our way, but will we ever be able to? can we do so and most importantly are we willing to do so from the bottom of our hearts? till all my sleeves are stained red from all the repeated truth that i've said are you really listening? stagnant water will only remain the same that gives birth to new secrets each day when will i ever be able to give them all away? any idea how much it hurts for me when i realized they're not real nor was the promise genuine. when i realize that it just doesn't happen how insecure i feel and how much it kills me deep inside, when you speak of assurance through promise but it just don't deliver through? well, now you know. i just hope it's not too late. 10:54 PM
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
i didnt know it could be so painful just by the thought about it, i can't imagine what's going to happen if my worst nightmare came true. i want us to last forever, i can't imagine if we can't. i'm trying hard, maybe a little too hard. ps: i've the power to become goldfish/goldie or pufferfish tomorrow. 10:14 PM
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