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Friday, March 25, 2011
Each time it happens there will be a whole massive truckload of angst, negativity and hatred need i say more? but this time round it was a different experience, it was much more intense greater disappointment, hurt and somehow it formed a barrier there. between us. maybe it is due to my PMS which makes me even much more emotional but much as i try to tell myself to get over it and not to think too much into it, not to blow up the matter but deep down inside i know that that's simply not the case. because i still am greatly affected by it, and i do not know how to go about it. maybe it is also due to the amount of stress that i'm facing nowadays, continuation of diploma in music, stressing over what degree to take and sign up for and also news from the work that i applied for. every single shit is coming after me all at the same motherfucking time. pardon me from the language but i really need to get it off i do not need another gastric attack like i'd earlier in the midst of a train ride. i know i should stop putting the attention to myself, drawing attention to myself for all the wrong reason being so bloody ridiculously selfish, i should spare a thought to those who are involved in this messed up shit as well. i know. and i really want to believe me, but i just don't know how to. where do i start from? how can i remove all these hurt due to the unpleasant experienced that's already registered inside me? i need some guidance from above to set me free from all the overwhelming emotions that's pent up inside me. to be honest i feel rather badly hurt and also at the same time im afraid to give my all and trust you completely because that scene keeps replaying inside my mind. i've woke up in the middle of the night thinking about that issue and i swore to myself that i'm not going to let it happen again. sorry is word said genuinely from the heart, most of the time regretting a action that one has done. but sadly to me this isnt a issue that can be "mended" straightaway, the doubts and insecurity that I have, that in the future you might do it again to me, 1 fine day when i least expected it with other harsher words or even actions just keeps me away. i know there's already some sort of a barrier, a inevitable scar. i hope you understand that this maybe is the way that my heart protects itself after being traumatized in a way that i've never expected not at that situation not at that particular time. i'm not blaming you still, its more of me needing to let things off my chest. the whole real goddamn confession straight from my heart. maybe it's because i really loved the person whom i never thought will do this to me though it's the 1st time. so currently i'm suffering from intensified post shocked syndrome, guarding will be leveled up. i know i need time to heal from this and i hope that you understand where exactly i'm coming from. god bless us. 9:21 PM
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