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Thursday, August 12, 2010
I'm here to release my emotions. so please be patience with me for a little while. im not pushing the blame on anyone or whoever or on any issues. it's just my feelings and thoughts and having a mini detoxification ( i know the mini "shower" will come later, time to be goldfish again tomorrow i guess ) so after talking to my best friend yurong, i finally realized how much i don't wish to lose you, or how much i wanted us to work out and how irrational i was behaving ; i was using my heart to think instead of my mind. and i believe only people who are near to obsession will use their heart to think. i don't know when all these started but to me now you're my everything and it really scares the shit out of me. i've never never ever reacted such strongly towards a person before and never ever have i ever been so emotional in any way ever, not even during a funeral. something that's so minor can trigger so much thinking and filter so much emotions out of me. sometimes the more i try to control my emotions the worst it gets. you try to pretend everything is okay try to console yourself that it's normal but deep down you know your heart disagrees you're just plain upset. i know some might not understand what i'm actually blabbering about but the moment when you fall so hard for another you'll start to think, plan worry and plan again just to hope that everything will fall together in place so that this relationship will work out in the future. emotions run high when something you expect didn't happen, it is so very easy for tears to well up in the eyes and the lump in your throat to appear whenever you feel hurt inside. it always happens during the "talk" especially when you touch on the part where it hurts most. and the worst thing is you feel very extremely vulnerable because you think that he's the one, he's the person whom you want to spend the rest of your life with if possible, he's the person who constantly stays in your mind, he's the person whom you wished and think that he's able to protect you from all harm and the one who will love and respect you always, he's the person whom you love so much till it's almost impossible to not stay emotional during arguments. of course again nobody is perfect. things that are considered small and mundane sometimes plays a very important role in giving the security. things like daily small chats, meaningful textes and physical affection. i guess you don't know how happy i'm deep down inside whenever you hold my hands tight, because it makes me feel that you don't want to let me go and that i'm important in your heart. sometimes i don't know whether to express myself because it seems not much of a difference or from your reaction. it doesn't seems any difference whether or not i made the statement to you. and just sometimes i wished that you could express more how much you don't wish to lose me or love me. just sometimes. i can't help but to feel i'm a weakling for being so emotional whenever i cry. i can control my tears when i'm in the midst of the conversation, i try my best to control fighting back the tears. but once you come near me or pull me close towards you. hell just breaks loose because i don't cry, i break down instead. maybe breaking down is a way to show how hurt i'm actually inside but it's also because i need to to hug me tight comfort me and assure me that everything is going to be alright. ps: promise me that you'll be there to catch me 1 day if i give up and fall. 10:08 PM
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